As we live life, we all experience life altering ups and downs. We learn how to navigate the stages of life and we can feel overwhelmed. Recently, I went through a loss of a dream. This loss lead me to write this article.
Grief is defined as suffering due to loss of a loved one, a dream, disaster, or misfortune. Grief can also arise from unmet expectations. While grieving my loss I realized that so many people need to know that grief is OK to feel. We all experience a wide range of emotions and it is OK to feel them. Even the really crappy ones. We just need to learn how to feel them and release them instead of feel them and live in them.
Here are the 5 steps of grief. I myself have experienced these steps in the last few of weeks. I share this in hope that this will give you the permission you need to grieve your own losses. As I have processed my emotions I have noticed that I have jumped from one step to another in no particular order. Everyone experiences grief differently. No two people go through grief the same and that is perfectly acceptable. Feel the emotions as you see fit, but feel the emotions.
Step 1.) Denial: Sitting across the table from the various education professionals on my sons team I tried to understand the diagnosis they had reached. I shook my head thinking this can’t be right; another part of me said this all makes so much sense now. Are they sure this isn’t something different? How can they know? Are they right? I struggled to get answers for years, at this point I knew deep down in my soul that they had done everything in their power to help us get some answers. Through all of that a small part of me still thought, maybe they are wrong. Tears fell from my eyes as I struggled to accept the death of the dream I had for my baby boy. I felt the denial bubble up and met the feelings with understanding. I knew what step I was in. Denial. I wanted to deny the facts, I found the truth hard to accept. I had to come to terms with this new information and I would have to face this challenge with love. As his mother I would need to give him the tools he will need to face anything this world throws at him.
Step 2.) Anger: As I left the school I felt so angry. I was angry at the doctors, they had told me I wasn’t doing enough. My mind screamed “you were all wrong!” How dare they accuse me of not putting in effort to get him the best care? How dare they ridicule me as a parent! I replayed all of the times I knew there was more to the story in my mind, I had given the health care professionals the benefit of the doubt. I let their judgments and opinions of me become stronger than my own intuition. I was angry, they made me feel like a bad parent because I was a single mom. The times they looked at me through disapproving eyes deflated my confidence as a mother. I was furious! I was even mad at myself for not believing in my ability as a parent.
Step 3.) Bargaining: “God please help my son. I will do whatever you need me to do just please help him.” Bargaining, the 3rd step of grief. When I understood I couldn’t change the circumstances I started to think “if only.” If only I wasn’t so stressed out during pregnancy. If I only I had tried harder, if only… All of these “if only’s” statements are tools to bargain with reality. I wanted to change reality. I wished, hoped and begged for a different outcome. It was just not available. Bargaining with fate was useless.
Step 4.) Depression: While I try to express myself in the healthiest of ways I know the sadness of the truth is setting in. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay home and hide away. While my strength and determination push me forward, my sadness lingers and comes and goes. My son’s challenges are a hard pill to swallow. Even with all the tools he will still face many struggles. That realization gives me deep sadness. The following weeks have been tiring, I’m flooded with information and it feels so overwhelming. I want to sleep in or lay down instead. I get sparks of energy that are quickly depleted when I direct my focus on my son’s condition.
Step 5.) Acceptance: As I have gained a deeper understanding I have started to accept the diagnosis. I have let myself feel more joyous. I am grateful that I have my son. He is not terminal. I want to love and care for him the way he deserves. I accept him for the amazing wonderful person he has always been. Am learning to accept that he will struggle in one way or another. I also know that he is blessed in so many ways. His diagnosis has given me a sense of relief. As I gain perspective I realize and recognize how much he has to offer this world. He can be an example to others around him. I have learned to pray for the best possible outcome, I want to see this life changing event as a new beginning. It is not the end of the world
We all go through changes. No one exempt for the challenges they will face. We do have the control to see through eyes of compassion and love. We have the ability to feel what we need to feel and keep going through life. It is OK to grieve. It is OK to feel the emotions that come up from your pain. I help others heal but that does not give me a free pass from having to heal myself too. I have felt sad, hurt, angry, furious, depressed and all of the other emotions we can feel. Grief is natural and it has a cure. Patience, compassion and love. Love who you are. Cry the tears, they cleanse your body. Take your time. No one is exempt from pain.
I hope this helps all that read this.
Nameste
