In this day and age from my perspective we don’t get the opportunity to check in with ourselves often enough. When I say check in, I mean really sit down and ask ourselves, how do you feel about life today? What do I think about that or how did that make me feel? More often than not we walk around this world unaware of what is causing the feelings we feel and why we see the world in the way we do. It can be nerve wrecking to think about a situation that has caused us pain or harm. The uncomfortable feelings are seemingly easier to push down, change, or turn away from than to observe and heal. I say seemingly because while it appears as a fix in the moment it is actually an addition to pain in the long run. It can bring up feelings of being alone and misunderstood. Being open to our feelings and how they show up in our day-to-day life can be the ultimate way to get to know who we are and why we are who we are.
Feelings show up in various ways, pushing feelings away or trying to change them can cause the feeling of being alone. I have been the person alone in my home calling someone else to help me chase away the sinking feeling of being alone. I would avoid my feelings the most after I put my children down to bed for the night and I was alone to deal with my thoughts. I would call friends and reach out to avoid the monster that was my own emotions. I was so detached from my emotions; I couldn’t even articulate the fact that I needed comfort or understanding. Although I did all I could to keep myself surrounded by people I was an anxious wreck when it came to social settings. At parties I had major anxiety attacks, mid conversation; I would feel it coming on and excuse myself hoping that no one could tell that my heart was pounding, and I was short of breath. I never asked myself why those situations felt so overwhelming. I would just say I have anxiety. I asked YouTube, therapists, and my friends, why do I feel this way?
To my dismay I was asking all the wrong people. How on earth would someone else know me better than me? The answer is they don’t. The challenging question was why I didn’t know myself better. I spent so much time saying please help, or what do you think I should do, that I never checked in and asked what I need and how am I feeling. I would have saved so much time if I would have stopped looking for other people’s advice or validation and started looking for my own. At first it was not easy. How could it be easy to take the advice of someone I didn’t know? The woman I saw went back on her word, was angry and mean to herself; she was worthless.
The first time I truly listened to myself was the first time I did not feel alone. Recognizing the person inside myself helped me feel complete. I became my own best friend. When I would have a panic attack, I asked myself, ” what just triggered that?” I became kinder to myself. I treated myself like a human being. By asking myself questions I was able to uncover things I was totally unaware of before. Such as what triggered the panic attacks. Where they happened most often. What was happening right before the attack. Each time I found an answer to those questions there was a rush of relief in knowing I am not crazy, I am a human being.
Being bullied as a child I felt anxious about saying the wrong thing, I felt scared of speaking up and expressing myself. Those past experiences lead to anxiety that showed up later in normal day to day interactions. Thoughts I didn’t even know I had would rush through my mind right before the attack would set in. I began to understand myself. I became my own advocate for change. I was no longer alone. By understanding myself I became whole. I knew what the shortness of breath represented. It meant I disagreed but was terrified to say it out loud, it meant I felt like that teenage girl being made fun of for thinking outside of the box. It represented the repressed girl that just wanted to let it all out and be heard.
I learned to heal with each conversation I had with myself. The lonely nights faded to the darkness. I learned to be my most faithful companion. Listening, not pushing the thoughts away, helped me gain a friend. I healed. I loved.
How can you heal? What can you do be closer to you? Being lonely has a solution. Bright soul you are never truly alone. You are surrounded by your own brilliant light. You can be loved by your own heart of gold. You have the power to learn who you are and how to create a better relationship with yourself.
Feel the emotions and welcome them instead of distracting yourself with a phone, a movie, or a video game. Immerse yourself in who you are. You are the ultimate manifester.
