This one is for all the healers that need healing themselves. Blessed be our healing journey, we all deserve healing too.
While working on my personal development as a parent I participated in parenting classes. Knowing I wanted to provide a good life for my children I would have to put in work to become a better parent. Lets be honest, how many parents were born perfect? How many parents were handed a handbook and told “this will guide you every step of the way.”? None that I know of. Even the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book did not prepare me for the moment when my doctor said “Change of plans. We will have to perform an emergency C-Section to deliver your baby.”
While taking parenting classes I read Boundaries with Children, by Townshed and Cloud. One part in a chapter contained a metaphor which went something like this: ‘Imagine walking up a hill and each person is carrying their own back pack. Each back pack contains their food and water and everything they need for their journey up the hill. One person turns to the other and says “I am so tired, can you carry my back pack?” Each person has the same contents and each person has the same journey to complete, if we take the back pack then we will also carry the burden of another person on our shoulders as well as our own. We each have the ability to carry our own bag. We are responsible for our own struggles and burden’s.’
Are you the person that is carrying 5 other’s back packs? By carrying them are the 5 other people gaining the strength and endurance they need to make their own journey? If you find yourself exhausted and drained ask yourself “Is this backpack mine?” If someone calls and says “I am struggling with money, I can’t afford my rent.” or “I am so unhappy, no one cares about me and what I need.”
Before I learned to ask myself if this mine I would jump to help, “What can I do?” and “How much do you need?” Now I say, “well I know that there are great ways to learn how to budget, do you wanna hear some ideas?” or “You know, therapy has helped me so much when I struggle with my emotions and support.” If the answer is “no” or “not interested,” and they want you to carry their backpack, they are not interested in gaining the strength or endurance for themselves.
Is that your burden to bare? Sympathy and empathy are allowed, taking responsibility meant for someone else is not. By doing so you are agreeing to carry their backpack every time. Most of us can agree that is not the route we wanna take. Taking on another person’s problems prevents them from becoming independent and self reliant, which is an unfortunate fate.
On one hand you carry more than what was intended for you to carry. On the other hand, the person is prevented from growing and learning how to carry their own burdens, and they become dependent and ultimately handicapped.
When faced with others’ problems, ask yourself, “is this mine or is this yours?” How much are you carrying that doesn’t really belong to you? Make asking yourself a daily practice. If you are doing this for the first time you will be met with resistance. People will complain that you are being different, or that you are wrong for taking away the help that they deserve. In reality they are upset that they are carrying their responsibility.
Be strong, hold your ground, you are defining what your responsibilities are. You are doing yourself an enormous service, even if it doesn’t feel like that in the beginning. As you grow in your confidence you will see the beautiful brilliant light that comes from being able to say no to taking on more than what is really yours to take on.
Many Blessings <3
Please visit the link below to purchase the transformational book Boundaries with Children by Townshed and Cloud for a deeper understanding of the healing found when proper boundaries are created between you and your child.
